On Raising your Emotional IQ Instantly

Wednesday 22 Feb 2012 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: 2012, Laws of Attraction, Raising your Emotional IQ, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If you haven't already taken the free Emotional Index Quiz, you can do so at www.lifecoach.com and it is absolutely free.

Who should take this quiz?

Anyone who can't answer this simple question: What are your top four personal and emotional needs? And, even if you think you can answer it, you may find that the quiz gives you a more accurate answer, revealing what you truly need as opposed to what you think you need.

Why is it important to know what your needs are?

If you don't know what you need, then you may be coming across as “needy” without even being aware of it. Or you may feel this vague discontent or dissatisfaction with life and not know why. Once our needs are fulfilled, we usually feel satisfied and content. All human beings have needs (to be loved, appreciated, accepted, to be heard, in control, independent/free, to be right, etc.) – the key is to figure out which needs are yours. If you don't know what your unique needs are, then how can you consider yourself to be emotionally intelligent?

Raise your own emotional intelligence instantly by identifying your needs with the free Emotional Index Quiz.

Enjoy!

Talane


Raise Your Emotional IQ Instantly

Wednesday 15 Feb 2012 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: 2012, Laws of Attraction, Raising your Emotional IQ, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to treat your personal and emotional needs as if they were optional. They are not—they must be fulfilled in order for you to be your best. Deny or ignore them long enough and they will not only run your life, but have the potential to ruin your life.

The late psychologist and researcher Abraham Maslow describes the process of growth as a hierarchy of need fulfillment and development. First we must satisfy our physical needs (clothing, food, shelter, and safety) then we start scouting around for our emotional needs (to be appreciated, loved, understood, part of a community, etc) and then we arrive at the highest level of human growth: values and peak experiences (creating, learning, playing, adventuring, etc).

I'll assume that you've handled basic survival and may now be wondering why you still aren't satisfied. Satisfaction comes from needs fulfillment. Knowing what your needs are and knowing how to fulfill them will help you become much more powerful and effective, not to mention irresistibly attractive, in your personal and business relationships. This makes sense when you consider the fact that any form of "neediness" is inherently repellant. We run from those who are needy. The reverse is equally true, we are always more attracted to the person who doesn't need us. Think about it, do you want to go into the restaurant without a single customer, or would you prefer to wait in that long line for the restaurant that is jam-packed? We instinctively think that the restaurant that doesn't need my business has to be fabulous. This goes for relationships as well. The popular ones are never sitting home alone on a Saturday night, while we can't hang up fast enough from the needy, "clinging vine."

A Few Common Myths about Emotional Needs

1. "It's Bad, Weak or Unattractive to Have Needs" vs. The Truth: To Need is Human

This is a really important distinction: having needs and being needy are not the same things. While it can be unattractive to have unfulfilled needs, having needs in itself is not a negative trait. All humans have needs. Those who appear confident—as if they don't have needs—are simply better at getting their needs fulfilled. Once fulfilled, needs seem to "disappear." The problem is that most people have very vague, fuzzy notions about what they need, making it difficult for them to then satisfy their own needs effectively. (The cure for that is to take the free Emotional Index Quiz at LifeCoach.com and get a list of your top four needs).

2. "Asking for It Ruins It" vs. The Truth: If You Don't Ask You May be Waiting a Long Time Many people believe that if they ask someone else to fulfill their needs, it will spoil it. They think that if they have to ask for what they want specifically, when they do receive it, it won't be satisfying— kind of like knowing what your Christmas presents are before you have opened them. It simply isn't true that asking for what you need spoils it—and you won't believe me until you've tried it. The truth is that your mate or partner can't read your mind so if you aren't specific and clear, you may never get your needs met. This is also compounded by the fact that most people can't articulate their top four needs so how on earth are they going to ask someone else to satisfy them? (You, of course, have now taken the quiz and can now articulate your top four needs. Congratulations!)

3. "Real Men Don't Have Needs" vs. The Truth: Men Have Just as Many Needs as Women Do

Needs aren't inherently masculine or feminine. Some men have the need to be adored and some women have the need to be in control. Culturally, we grant women the right to have more needs than men and assume that men shouldn't have needs. Or we let them have two – the need to be loved and to love and the need to be in control, but that is about it. The truth is that men have needs just as women do and the more bold and direct they are about asking for what they want, the more attractive they appear and become.

The good news is that everyone has needs and everyone could benefit from becoming crystal clear about what their own needs are and how specifically they should go about getting them satisfied. It is much easier to satisfy your needs if you know exactly what they are. If you can't jot down your top four personal and emotional needs right now, how can you claim to be emotionally intelligent? Not to worry, you can easily identify your own needs by taking the Emotional Index Quiz (free at LifeCoach.com). The next step is to start asking others to satisfy your needs and you'll soon be on your way to enhanced business and personal relationships.


Goal-setting vs. Attraction: Which works Better?

Wednesday 8 Feb 2012 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: 2012, Laws of Attraction, Raising your Emotional IQ, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Last night I gave a talk to a lovely group of coaches in Bristol about attracting what you want effortlessly. They were particularly keen to attract clients.

There really are (at least) two ways we get what we want:

  1. Set a goal and go for it; and
  2. Attract it to you effortlessly. Most of us have been trained to use goal-setting as the way to get results. However, in my experience, the very best stuff in life has all been attracted. In fact, if I find myself working too hard to get something, I am now suspicious – have I set the wrong goal? (It used to be the reverse, if it came too easily I was distrustful – this was too easy – can't be right).

I'll share an example from one of my clients. She hired me because she was working really hard in real-estate and making no headway and having no real success. This is mostly because real-estate has tanked in the US and a number of other places so not the ideal time to be in the business, but also because she wasn't happy doing it even when she was making good money. She took the Highlands Program which helped us clearly see where her natural talents and abilities lay and then I encouraged her to quit her job and take the summer off to play. She did this, after some initial guilt/reluctance. After the summer ended I called to see what was happening. And sure enough, she told me I wouldn't believe what happened. Out of the blue a former professor had called and asked her if she'd be interested in working on a really exciting project overseas that had been funded by a special grant. Truly a once-in-a lifetime opportunity had landed at her feet.

And yet, it came so easily she wasn't sure. Yes, it sounded ideal, but she thought she should also pursue teaching at the local high schools as well. I asked her “Why?” After all, she could always come back after this year abroad and teach as the schools will still be there. She realized that yes, that was true and is now seizing the chance to do some really interesting and challenging work. (Not that teaching isn't interesting and challenging, but that this was a truly unique opportunity.)

What wonderful people and opportunities have you effortlessly attracted in your life? If you look, you may be surprised to see that best stuff usually comes to you. The stuff we track down and hunt may not even be all that important to you now.

My speciality in coaching is to help people be more attractive all the time so that they attract what they want simply by having a notion or an intention. After 15 years of coaching, I can tell you that it works! And it works so well you may very well give up on goal-setting altogether.

Warmest,

Talane


Talane’s Magic 8: The Secrets to Being Irresistibly Attractive

Wednesday 1 Feb 2012 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: 2012, Laws of Attraction, Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1. The Present Really is Perfect

If you have the thought that you don’t have enough money or enough time, then that implies that the present isn’t perfect. What if it were perfect that you didn’t have enough money? Perhaps the present is telling you there is something you need to master. I used to think that if you didn’t resist it, then it would stay the same. It is the opposite – what you resist persists. When you accept what is so you can begin to change it. This state of mind makes all the difference.

2. Get Your Needs Met

We’ve all seen relationships in which a “needy” person ends up repelling the very person they are trying to attract --the one who doesn’t need you is always more attractive. This principle works in all areas of our life, not just in relationships. If you don’t need money, it is easier to attract money. Life’s big Catch 22. Most people aren’t even aware of what their needs are and even fewer people take action to get their needs met. Yet this process is essential to being irresistibly attractive and will change your life. Find out what your needs are and how to get them met.

3. It's All Good, Even the Bad Stuff

It is easier to be happy when you realize that everything is good, even the bad stuff. In order to fully see something for what it is, to appreciate it, we almost have to experience it’s opposite. If you never got sick, you would take your health for granted and not appreciate how wonderful it is to be healthy. Or happiness. If you were never sad, would happiness be so wonderful? It is through the contrasts that we experience life fully.

4. Go With the Flow

Going with the flow means that you align yourself with the energy that is already out there, that you go with your natural strengths. One way to step into the flow of life is to start doing more of what you love to do. If you love dancing sign up for a regular class. The more time you spend doing what you love to do the more attractive you’ll be.

5. Start Having Notions

This is a very advanced way to reach your goals and effortlessly attract what you want in life. It is simply having a notion and then letting it go. The old way of reaching goals is to come up with a plan, a strategy with a timeline and specific action plans along the way. Yes, this works, but what about just having a notion and then having what you want magically appear?

6. Be Blessedly Selfish

We have been raised to think that being selfish is a bad thing and it can be if you hurt or damage others in the process. But in general, being selfish is a very good thing. You can’t take care of someone else until you yourself are taken care of. That’s why the airlines tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then your child. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first. Just take care of yourself and the world will be taken care of in the process!

7. You Can Have Whatever you Allow Yourself to Have

When you make the shift to thinking, “I can have it” or even “I do have it.” Or better yet. “I am ...” then you will receive it or become what you wish. Your thoughts are extremely powerful and determine your reality. If you want to see what someone thinks about themselves, just look at their life. You attract what you think you deserve.

8. Ultimate Self-Care

People who take really good care of themselves attract really good things and people into their lives. Ultimate Self-Care is different for each person, but usually includes regular massage, a housekeeper, a personal trainer, a coach, quarterly vacations, weekends off, time off for yourself for starters.


Powerful 4-step Communication Model

Wednesday 25 Jan 2012 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: Personal Development, Your New Year's Evolution Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A great step towards your New Year's Evolution is to establish a list of your boundaries and let others know how you'd like to be treated going forward. It requires a bit of re-education on your part as in effect, you have 'trained' people to treat you the way you do by not saying anything or allowing the unwanted behaviour to occur. You can change this immediately by using this very powerful, four-step communication model. This works on everyone from bosses to children, but in order to work, you must use a flat, neutral tone of voice for all four steps. No anger, righteousness, indignation, snideness etc. You may need to calm down with a few deep breaths so that you can speak calmly and neutrally. You'll want to speak just as if you were stating a fact like, “The sky is blue.”

4- Step Communication Model:

  1. Inform. e.g. “Do you realize that you are fifteen minutes late?”
  2. Request. “I ask that when you are meeting me, you show up on time.”
  3. Demand/Insist. (with consequences). “I'll wait fifteen minutes and then I will leave.”
  4. Leave. You may leave the situation temporarily or may end up leaving the job or relationship permanently if you see that they will not respect your boundaries.

All steps must be delivered in a neutral tone of voice or it may not get the result you intended.

Tip: Take the time you need to calm down before informing. If delivered neutrally, you will rarely need to go beyond steps 1 and 2. Although with children you must be prepared for step 3 and have consequences with 'teeth' that you are prepared for e.g. 1. “Do you realize your toys are on the floor?” 2. "I ask that you tidy up your toys". 3. "If you don't tidy up your toys, mommy will do it and when mommy does it, they go in a box for charity – for poor children who don't have any toys and will appreciate them enough to take care of them properly." (This is a consequence with real 'teeth' and all I have to do is head downstairs to get a box and the kids start scrambling like crazy to put their toys away.) Consequences are not threats. You always follow-through with consequences. And if you follow-through, people will know you are serious and will take the appropriate action.

Remember, the key to success with all four steps is to keep your voice flat and neutral just as if you were saying, “The sky is blue.” If you lose the neutral tone of voice, you may not get positive results. It helps to practice first in front of a mirror.

Enjoy!



Submit Yourself Completely

Wednesday 18 Jan 2012 by talane | 2 Comments
Filed under: 2012, Have a Vision, Personal Development Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I was just chatting with one of my colleagues, the brilliant coach, Judy Lowry, who also happens to be my coach. I told her I had signed up for a course with a marketing coach in the UK to learn more about internet marketing and how I can take my own business to the next level. She said, “Submit yourself to the program 100%, take it on board fully, do and try everything she suggests and see what happens.” She learned this from having worked years ago in Mary Kay and had resisted using the sales script that Mary Kay had provided. Once she got over the resistance and used the script, low and behold, the prospect said “Yes,” and the next person and the next. She gave up thinking she knew better and truly embraced the program for the first time and guess what? It worked. Mary Kay had spent years fine-tuning it so that it would.

Where are we stopping ourselves in our own lives by thinking we know better? Do you have the results to prove it? If not, then perhaps it is time to submit and try something different. I immediately bristled at the word “submit” and thought, “Sounds too cultish, too weak. Let's change that to “fully engage,” but then Judy caught me and said, it was precisely the use of the word “submit” that made her remember this comment years later. Like me, she wasn't someone who would roll over and submit, but there is a time and place to stand and fight and there is a time and place to submit – to surrender to the process and learn like a child with an open mind. Perhaps it is in submitting that we become humble enough to actually learn something new?

For those of you who have started my Coach Yourself to Success Online Program, let me remind you that it too is a finely-tuned program that has been carefully crafted over the years to produce life-changing results. I'd encourage you to submit yourself 100% to the process. It is very easy to start and think, “This is too simple or too easy. I'll never change my life by doing these silly assignments!” When in fact, it is the simple and easy assignments that are most life-changing.

Enjoy the process!

Talane

P.S. If you are trying the hard way, once again to change your life, why? Try 7 days of Coaching at LifeCoach.com for $1.00 and join the others who are going for effortless success.


New Year’s Evolution? 10 Steps For Maintaining A Youthful Mind & Body - For Life.

Wednesday 11 Jan 2012 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: 2012, Inspiration Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Noticed how some older folks have vitality, optimism and are still expanding their horizons and others do not? The secret: those inspiring older folks created their future while still young by taking most or all the following steps every year.

  • New Years Evolution~ Simplify an area of your life. (A new personal filing system, hire a housekeeper, downsize the house or car)
  • New Years Evolution~ Invest at least 10% on your personal growth, development and training.
  • New Years Evolution~ Get rid of something that no longer applies to the evolving you. (A habit of yours, a relationship, a job, that nagging sore tooth)
  • New Years Evolution~ Improve your diet by eliminating something you know isn’t good for you. (If you don’t know consult with a nutritionist – there will be something!)
  • New Years Evolution~ Replace that food or drink which you eliminated with something that adds nutrition to your body and enhances your well-being.
  • New Years Evolution~ Do something to improve your body’s performance - toning, strength, endurance or power. (E.g. Swimming, yoga, dancing, cycling, weight training, circuits, Tai Chi, aerobics, running or walking)
  • New Years Evolution~ Expand your mind. Learn something new this year. (Home study, attend a class, read a book, new hobby, teach)
  • New Years Evolution~ Expand your friendships. Either deepen your relationship with someone you know or make a new friend.
  • New Years Evolution~ Bury the hatchet so you don’t become a bitter older person. Forgive them and just move on – resentment is a waste of energy.
  • New Years Evolution~ Take a healthy risk. Build your courage by action and maintain that passion for life.

Bring in the New!

Thursday 5 Jan 2012 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: 2012, Have a Vision, Inspiration Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I thought you might be amenable to this rather enjoyable and satisfying 'end of year ritual' to check out the old year and bring in the new; from both a personal and professional perspective.

The simple instructions: Sit down with a glass of sherry and a mince pie (if you live in England) or a cup of hot chocolate if you live in the US and make a note of your thoughts around the following four points. You may wish to do this in partnership with a significant other or even with the kids.

  1. What have you accomplished in the past year, personally and professionally? List both the big and the small stuff - its common to get over 20 items. Include things such as taking a trip or making a new friend as well as your business achievements.
  2. What do you wish to accomplish personally and professionally in this new year?  Targets, goals and dreams--think big! A wish list - not a must do.

Bonus questions:

  1. What difficulties did you overcome to realise those accomplishments? List out the blocks, challenges, tough periods, uncomfortable decisions or turning points.
  2. What personal qualities within yourself did you evoke to get past those difficulties? Courage, strength, persistence, humility, humour and so forth.

Very best wishes for a Happy New Year!

Talane


Now is the Time for Forgiveness (Part 2) - The Formula for Forgiveness

Wednesday 21 Dec 2011 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: Christmas Season, Holiday Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What if you did it differently this year? You could use the holidays as an opportunity to clean up your relationships with your family. Instead of smiling politely and secretly gritting your teeth, why not bring up the dreaded past and deal with it once and for all? In fact, why not do this before the holidays so that you might actually enjoy them?

Formula for Forgiveness:

This simple formula works to resolve even the hardest, most grievous wrongs, the bitterest of resentments and the longest and most closely held grudges.

(Tip: This works best if done in a neutral tone of voice without anger, judgement or righteousness. It helps if you take the time ahead of time to write down the facts of the situation so that you don’t get muddled up in the emotions. It is most effective if done in person, but don’t wait because it can be done over the phone, or as a last resort, by letter.)

  1. If you are calling on the phone always ask if it is a good time to talk. If not, ask when would be a good time and make an appointment. If you are meeting in person, make sure that you will not be interrupted and that it is a good time.
  2. Before you start blurting stuff out, it helps to prepare the person for what you have to say. Just tell them whatever you are feeling right now. E.g. “I feel awkward in bringing this up. I don’t know how to say this gracefully, but there is something between us that I’d like to clear up.”
  3. State your intention for the conversation and the relationship. What positive outcome would you like as a result of this conversation? “I would love it if we could be close like we used to be.” Or, “I’d like to clear up the past so that we can be friends again.” “I feel sad that you don’t know your grandchild and would like my son to know you better.” “I would like to have a great relationship with you.” Again, just say what it is you’d really want –the ideal.
  4. Then you can say, “I’d like you to hear me out fully and not interrupt and then I will hear you out fully without interrupting. Would you be willing to do that?” If the person agrees, then you can go ahead. Tell them the facts of the situation. Do not add any judgements or opinions. State exactly what happened to the best of your memory. Keep your voice flat and neutral. Imagine you are a reporter recounting an event as accurately and factually as possible.
  5. Then, ask them to tell their side of the story. Listen and do not interrupt no matter what they say, just hear them out completely and when they have finished say, “I hear you.” You can also repeat back what they said so they feel heard and understood. (This doesn’t mean that you agree, just that you want to make sure that you heard them fully.)
  6. At this point, you can ask them to apologize and you can apologize for anything you’ve done that hurt them. You may want to ask, “Is there anything that I have done in the past, intentionally or not, that I can apologize for?” And you can also ask them to apologize, “I’d like you to apologize for doing that.”
  7. Sometimes an apology is not enough. In which case, you can ask them to make amends, to do something that would make up for the hurt. Don’t be afraid to say, I’d like you to make it up to me. You could do that by sending me a dozen red roses and taking me out to dinner.” Or whatever you want them to do.
  8. Then, “I accept your apology.”
  9. Finally, “I forgive you.”

Congratulations!

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year for 2012,

Talane


Now is the Time for Forgiveness (Part 1)

Thursday 15 Dec 2011 by talane | No Comments
Filed under: Christmas Season Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The cost of not forgiving someone is bigger than most of us realize. We go merrily around with our busy lives thinking that life is easier and simpler if we just forget about the past and focus on the present or our goals for the future. In some cases this may be true, but in most cases it is denial. Fortunately, the past has an uncanny way of rearing its ugly head and demanding to be dealt with. And the holiday season is when those ugly heads start popping up all over the place, right across from you, over the turkey and mashed potatoes.

One way or another, intentionally or not, we end up hurting the people we love the most. It is a fact of life. We just can’t seem to rub elbows year after year without causing a little friction, in spite of our best intentions. No family, no love relationship can endure without forgiveness. The happiest families and best relationships are the ones who admit their mistakes, apologize, and forgive each other—again and again. Without forgiveness, resentment and bitterness rule the day.

People say to let sleeping dogs lie, but at what cost? The burden of your unspoken anger or resentment? The dread that descends over every family gathering? The loss of a grandfather or aunt for your child? The cost is love. It doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong because in the end, everyone loses.

The beauty of forgiving is that, even if it doesn’t come out rosy with everyone hugging and kissing each other, it will make you feel better. All you can do is handle your end of the conversation appropriately and state what happened. You can’t force someone to apologize and you can’t force forgiveness. Everyone knows the difference between a forced apology and one that comes from the heart. You can handle the conversation so that it is more likely to end in forgiveness. You can choose to forgive the person whether or not they apologize.

Some people just can’t apologize. It takes a tremendously courageous person to admit a mistake and apologize. Not everyone is up to this and that is okay. Everyone is at different stages of personal development. The important thing is whether you are big enough to have the conversation anyway. At least you could give them a chance. Sometimes it is too hard to apologize on the spot and they might do it later by sending flowers, a card, helping you out with something or calling. You can assume that any positive gesture is their way of saying sorry. That is good enough. Accept it and forgive them. They are simply doing the best that they can.

The real key to forgiveness is realizing that you can do it regardless of what the other person does or says. But don’t use this as an excuse not to have the conversation! Although this process works best with someone who is alive, it can be done with those who are long since gone. Follow the same process outlined, but write the person a letter and read it out loud and forgive them out loud. (I’d recommend doing this privately so that no one sends you to the nut house.) It is easier to forgive someone when you realize that they were doing the best that they could at the time. On the surface it may look like one person is right and one person is wrong, but most of the time it is much more complex and both parties contributed to the problem and need to apologize. Half the time people are angry about something that the offender doesn’t even realize they did. I’ve worked with clients who have carried grudges for so long they don’t even remember what the initial incident was and all they are left with is the resentment—pretty ridiculous!

The benefits of clearing up the past are huge. You will feel lighter and freer immediately. You will have more energy. You might discover that you had didn’t have the whole story all along and were bearing a grudge for no real reason. You might gain back a father or a mother or a sibling that you’ve lost for years. At the very least, you will have given them a chance and you might just find yourself looking forward to those family dinners! Next week, I'll be given you the formula, the rest is up to you.

Happy Forgiving!


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